I'm starting a thread for jokes. RULES: The jokes must be clean. They may be political. And basically, laugh at the jokes you think are funny, and laugh at your own. Pretty easy, right?
Here's one called Linguistics Lesson:
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room pipes up, "Yeah, right."
*Tumble weed bounds across the dusty forum*
I myself prefer puns:
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
-Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
-A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
Quote from: Dihan on July 14, 2009, 05:18PM
*Tumble weed bounds across the dusty forum*
What do you mean by that? That this topic idea was done already?
And by the way, good puns, I like them.
i think it means he didn't get the joke.
Okay, here's a funny blonde joke. It's kind of known around where I live, but maybe some of you don't know it.
Your Ticket Please
A plane is on its way to Houston when Amanda, in economy class, gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells Amanda that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
Amanda replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to Amanda and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
Amanda replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to Amanda and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, first class isn't going to Houston."
Quote from: deedooo on July 15, 2009, 11:25AM
i think it means he didn't get the joke.
I think I mean that it wasn't that funny. :P
The second... Well, I'm blonde. It's a bit better though.
Whoop! I love the idea of this thread!
Some of my favourites:
Did you hear about the fight in the chip shop? A load of fish got battered!
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottishman walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Is this some sort of joke?"
Thankyou, thank you, I'm here 'till Tuesday, try the veal.
Quote from: Dihan on July 15, 2009, 01:56PM
The second... Well, I'm blonde. It's a bit better though.
I'm blonde too. But that's what makes it okay that I say that kinda joke :P
Quote from: piutebob on July 15, 2009, 12:31PM
Okay, here's a funny blonde joke. It's kind of known around where I live, but maybe some of you don't know it.
Your Ticket Please
A plane is on its way to Houston when Amanda, in economy class, gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells Amanda that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
Amanda replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to Amanda and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
Amanda replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to Amanda and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, first class isn't going to Houston."
I heard this joke before, it's kinda good.
Quote from: The Boy Sanga on July 15, 2009, 02:33PM
Whoop! I love the idea of this thread!
Some of my favourites:
Did you hear about the fight in the chip shop? A load of fish got battered!
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottishman walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Is this some sort of joke?"
Thankyou, thank you, I'm here 'till Tuesday, try the veal.
Well...um...I don't get it, but keep on going.
Quote from: Dihan on July 15, 2009, 01:56PM
I think I mean that it wasn't that funny. :P
which really just goes to show you what happens when i (try to) think :P
Quote from: Dihan on July 14, 2009, 05:18PM
*Tumble weed bounds across the dusty forum*
I myself prefer puns:
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
-Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
-A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
Magnificent. When I compare those with jokes, I would prefer puns too. Unfortunately, I can't think of one. I can think of two.
I also love being a pain in the HOLY to other people by twisting the means of anything, either it be objects or words. For example:
http://i.zdnet.com/blogs/stop_sign.png
A STOP-sign in traffic means that you MUST STOP LOOKING AT IT AND CONTINUE WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING.
http://www2.internetvideochannel.com/Portals/0/walk.jpg
The hulk is trying to open a door
http://www.richmond.ca/__shared/assets/Ped_Walk_Sign9596.JPG
Red Hulk fails to do a split.
http://www.clker.com/cliparts/2/f/d/9/1195442304509406672ryanlerch_pedestrian_crossing_sign.svg.hi.png
Only black people are allowed to walk on the black stripes.
http://www.freefoto.com/images/41/03/41_03_58---Pedestrian-Crossing-Road-Sign_web.jpg
The X-Men are near.
http://visual.merriam-webster.com/images/transport-machinery/road-transport/road-signs/major-international-road-signs_4.jpg
This image contains a lot. Let me break it down for ya:
1. Someone piled the wood very nicely
2. Rudolph is near.
3. Stock changes are 8% here.
4. There's a woman on the road
5. Free black bicycle!
6. Free black motorcycle!
7. A truck will hit ya!
8. Someone is dancing here.
Perhaps not the best PitA attempts, but I hope ya'll mean what I know.
Reading the news
A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading a Nazi newspaper when his friend stepped aboard and was shocked by the sight.
"Moise," he said, "have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a Nazi newspaper?
Moise replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspapers but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing from assimilation and marriage, Jews living in poverty. So, I switched to the Nazi newspaper.
"Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews rule the world. The news, it's so much better."
Mozel Tov everyone!
Hi there, we have a nice crowd today.
By the way I'm not a blonde but I play one on TV.
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a blonde?
The prostitute says "Done yet?".
The nympho says "Done already?"
And the blonde says "Bege...yeah, I think I'm gonna paint the ceiling bege.".
*PARAMPAM* Paul Shaffer ladies and gentleman!
Quote from: Wade Wilson on July 15, 2009, 11:14PM
Well...um...I don't get it, but keep on going.
That's what she said. =P
I love the Chocolate egg according to religion thing (don't worry, I don't think it will offend anybody. if it does, tell me and I'll delete it promptly )
Catholic - Chocolate egg happens because you're a sinner.
Jew - Chocolate egg always happens to our people.
Protestant - Chocolate egg happens cause of Satan.
Muslim - Chocolate egg happens cause it's the will of Allah.
Buddhist - Chocolate egg doesn't happen, it's only Chocolate egg if you see it as Chocolate egg.
Atheist - Pff, Chocolate egg doesn't happen. I'll only believe it when I see it.
Agnostic - I don't give a Chocolate egg about this Chocolate egg thing.
Nihilist - Chocolate egg happen for no reason. Deal with it.
Wiccan - Chocolate egg only happens to those who don't know the counter-spell.
Amish - Chocolate egg happens but it's a great fertilizer.
Mormon - Chocolate egg will never happen if I become a god.
Hindu - I better be good or next time around I'll be the fly on that Chocolate egg.
It's the night of a thousand shits! (south park fans get it)
Is this thing on? What is this a forum or a funeral?
Inside joke for Pokemon fans: Why didn't Jesse make it as a pokemon nurse? Cause she had no Chancey! *PARAMPAM*
Three guys arrive in heaven at the very same time. So, Saint Peter asks the first guy:
SP - How did you die?
G1 - Well, I had a feeling my wife was cheating on me. See, I live on the 16th floor. So, one day a arrived early from work and caught her laying on the bed buck naked and sweaty but no sign of the guy. I went searching for the guy everywhere and found him hanging on my windowsill. So I grabbed the heaviest thing I could find - my refrigerator - and threw it on him. But I lost my balance and fell too.
SP - How bout you?
G2 - I was washing my windows when I lost balance and fell. Fortunately, I managed to hold on to the windowsill of the downstairs floor. Then a wacko came and threw a freaking fridge on me! That's how I ended up here.
SP - And you sir, what's your story?
G3 - Well, I was hiding from my mistress's husband inside her fridge and...
Is it still too soon for 9/11 jokes? I have a very dark sense of humor
On the lighter yet philosophical side: swiss cheese has a lot of holes. more cheese means more holes. more holes means less cheese. Sooo...the more chesse the less cheese?
(http://lh5.ggpht.com/_Qx4FJ4wJy9k/SYjLhTh3euI/AAAAAAAAAQc/Sr_bxpxEhcg/Proibido%20ter%20os%20%C3%B3rg%C3%A3os%20genitais%20esmagados%20por%20um%20elefante%5B4%5D.jpg?imgmax=800)
No getting your genitals stomped by an elephant (I'll never make that mistake again)
(http://lh4.ggpht.com/_Qx4FJ4wJy9k/SYjLf4lwodI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/cyPrg4TM7ek/Proibido%20bodes%20andando%20de%20skate%5B5%5D.jpg?imgmax=800)
No demon possessed goats on skateboards
(http://lh6.ggpht.com/_Qx4FJ4wJy9k/SYjLiPLh9_I/AAAAAAAAAQg/txW_ZQ_KvWg/Proibido%20correr%20com%20peixe%5B5%5D.jpg?imgmax=800)
No running with fishes (that's how you lose an eye)
(http://lh6.ggpht.com/_Qx4FJ4wJy9k/SYjLfT8EFeI/AAAAAAAAAQM/Ss2CPklInhs/Proibido%20discurso%20de%20beb%C3%AA-alien%C3%ADgena%5B4%5D.jpg?imgmax=800)
No alien babies allowed to make speeches
(http://lh3.ggpht.com/_Qx4FJ4wJy9k/SYjLeZhpshI/AAAAAAAAAQE/2OEGpPPvFSQ/Proibido%20tremedeira%20nas%20juntas%5B5%5D.jpg?imgmax=800)
No epileptic seizures allowed (so inconvenient, there's a time and a place for these things)
(http://lh3.ggpht.com/_Qx4FJ4wJy9k/SYjLgbU9TyI/AAAAAAAAAQU/9iTCAGjjXi8/Proibido%20Darth%20Vader%20com%20carrinho%20de%20beb%C3%AA%5B4%5D.jpg?imgmax=800)
No Darth Vader with a baby cart on the stairs
Next time I'll do a top ten list =P
(http://rosenblumtv.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/men_at_work_sign2.gif)
Beware - man struggling with umbrella ahead.
Love that one.
(http://www.strassman.info/roadsigns.jpg)
From left to right and down:
1. Warning: incoming arrow might split up
2. Notice: Use a shield to block the arrow
3. Here's one way, to your right there's another
4. Do not pass: go all-in
5. 50 cent up ahead.
6. You are being marked by the Hunter's Mark. All attackers gain more ranged attack power.
7. Do not Enter: press shift.
8. You can pee in the circle between these hours.
9. No Parking Loading Zone: that means no camping and no reloading aka you're dead.
10. There's a bend arrow lying in pee
11. Tetris up ahead
12. Wind might bend the arrow, 50% luck it won't hit you
13. Looky how cute! This arrow has a tiny wiener!
14. This arrow can't get passed annoying blocks.
15. After he shoots and arrow at ya and you block, fire back!
16. Nobody cares about the stripes in the middle, just walk on the road.
17. Do not stand, but sit down
18. Transformer road
19. More women on the road up ahead!!!!
20. Throw a dodgeball up
21. You may only drive through if all lights are on
22. Use a jetski to go on the road
23. Circusact with a rope is going on there
24. Oh now are deers are flying too
25. Your car leaves trackmarks
26. Someone bend some steel bars
27. Truck succeeded by 18% to drive the hill up backwards
28. Don't use this arrow
29. Choose another finger
30. Use a steady arrow instead of a weak one
31. No peeing!
32. How weird, a road closed a head, so?
33. Ignore the man who holds a block in his hand
34. Someone has a hernia...
35. Dirty old man spying on people!
36. Questgiver
37. Fuelgiver
38. Poor weapons shop
39. Keep your gender to your own!
40. Airplane on the grass
41. Railcrossroadsing
42. Stop reading and drive (ye that one again)
Christian VS. Athiest
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"
The atheist yells back, "There is no God."
She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord."
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts, "Praise the Lord!!!"
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries ... there is no God."
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts, "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"
Jesus, Moses and some old guy are playing golf.
First comes Moses. He makes the swing, but his ball falls in the pond. He approaches the pond, and much to the awe of the audience, procedes to split the waters, making a sort of corridor to where his ball is, which allows him to hit it, getting it to the green. The audience applaudes and cheers this amazing display.
Then comes Jesus, but his shot, too, ends up in the pond. Miracously, instead of going to the bottom, the ball ends up in the middle of the pond, floating. Jesus walks on the water (the audience is speechless while he does this), and hits the ball, which also gets to the green, yet only a couple of centimetres away from the hole. It goes without saying, the audience goes wild with this!
So much in fact, that the last guy almost couldn't make his shot because of the lack of silence. Maybe that's the reason why he too misses, and his ball heads for the pond too. But alas, as the small ball is falling, a fish jumps off the water, confusing the ball with a bug, and catches it with his mouth. Out of nowhere, an eagle grabs the fish, and procedes to take it to its nest. But while the eagle is flying over the green, a sudden lightning scares it, making it drop the fish, which falls next to the hole, releasing the ball, which ends up rolling into the hole.
Unless you witnessed the situation, you wouldn't believe the complete (although brief) silence that preceded the loud and joyful cheers of the audience. They all started running towards the old man, grabbing him and carrying him the way only ancient kings were carried in those rare moments of celebration. And while they took him away, they could only barely hear Jesus shouting, from the distance:
"Nice shot, Dad!"
Yeah, I read a different version of that joke. Funny joke.
I went into the butchers the other day.
Bet him £100 he couldn't get the meat off the top shelf.
He says to me:
"No Way!"
"The steaks are too high!"
ROTFLOL!
I would have some pretty funny jokes, but they would be hard to convert to English
Well, here's one:
Two tourists were on a tour in Wales and were about to arrive to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and they started arguing of how the name should be pronounced. They argued and argued until they stopped to eat a hamburger. As they came to the counter another tourist asked from the boy that is about to sell them the hamburgers(didn't remember what it was called :D):
"Could you tell us where we are please? Very slowly."
The boy bend over the counter and said very slowly:
"Burrrgerrr Kiinnngg."
Yeah, I think it's rather good. I had to google for a while before I found the name of the city :D
I remember when I had to pronounce the name of that city (wasn't it a town?). My teacher gave me an A+ lol :P
It's very easy to say. Then again, I speak Welsh. :P
There's also Gorsafawddachaidraigodanheddogleddolonpenrhynareurdraethceredigion.
Quote from: BLaw on July 30, 2009, 12:10PM
I remember when I had to pronounce the name of that city (wasn't it a town?). My teacher gave me an A+ lol :P
Wow, you are god pronouncer. I myself have no idea of how that would be pronounced.
Quote from: Dihan on July 30, 2009, 01:07PM
It's very easy to say. Then again, I speak Welsh. :P
There's also Gorsafawddachaidraigodanheddogleddolonpenrhynareurdraethceredigion.
Guh, you Welsh are like what? Obsessed with weird names? :D
Quote from: Dihan on July 30, 2009, 01:07PM
It's very easy to say. Then again, I speak Welsh. :P
There's also Gorsafawddachaidraigodanheddogleddolonpenrhynareurdraethceredigion.
Sorry, but there is also what? We have long words too in Hungary, like: Megszentségteleníthetetlenskedéseitekért. It's not as long as that, but long for me :D
fun fact:
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch" translates to "St. Mary's Church of the White Hazel Near to the Whirlpool of Llantisilig of the Red Cave" in english
there is also a Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu hill in new zealand and a Lake Chaubunagungamaug in massachusets. the longest word shakespear used is Honorificabilitudinitatibus, and the longest word in the englsih dictionary is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
thank you, wikipedea
Quote from: Wade Wilson on July 30, 2009, 01:16PM
Sorry, but there is also what? We have long words too in Hungary, like: Megszentségteleníthetetlenskedéseitekért. It's not as long as that, but long for me :D
Gorsafawddacha'idraigodanheddogleddollônpenrhynareurdraethceredigion and Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch are both places. The latter is usually just called LlanfairPG and the first isn't used any more.
Quote from: -phoenix- on July 30, 2009, 01:12PM
Wow, you are god pronouncer. I myself have no idea of how that would be pronounced.
It's not surprising considering the pronunciation for the letter Ll is only used in Welsh and Central Alaskan Yup'ik. It's a voiceless alveolar lateral fricative - if it means anything to anyone. :P
Quote from: -phoenix- on July 30, 2009, 01:12PMGuh, you Welsh are like what? Obsessed with weird names? :D
Only some. :P
in utah there are names like orem and provo. how come Europe gets interesting names? :P
Do we really need to answer that when there's a different language for almost every country?
Quote from: -phoenix- on July 30, 2009, 01:12PM
Wow, you are god pronouncer. I myself have no idea of how that would be pronounced.
Guh, you Welsh are like what? Obsessed with weird names? :D
Well, I believe I have some English or American blood in my bloodline. Though I'm not sure. None of my relatives has English 90% under control like I have. I say 90% because I make mistakes and there are words which I do not understand :P Also when my mom talks English, it makes me laugh so hard the word LOL (for me) will mean Laughing On Lifesupport.
I'm also trying to imitate voices of celebrities in my sparetime so I can make my friends laugh. I made a personnel pee in his pants with my Arnold S. imitation a few years ago. It was during one of my internships. Was a blast.
Other imitations include Sean Connery, Ray Charles, Michael Jackson, Jackie Chan (though everyone could imitate him I think) and some other I couldn't think of. Oyeah, and some dutch people (since I live in holland, makes sence).
Anyway some jokes (or something, they're lame)
Fart situation:
Guy1: Excuse me, did you fart?
Guy2: I beg your pardon sir? I was going to ask you that very same question!
Guy1: Well it wasn't me sir.
Guy2: And I was going to answer that same answer! Goodbye sir.
Q: Why do black people always die in movies?
A: Ask them.
Q: Why do American people always call 911?
A: They are too lazy to do it themselves.
Q: What does the word MAN stand for at the KKK?
A: Mightless Antique Nerds.
Johnny is making his math homework:
1+1=11
2+2=22
0+0=100-1
6+9=9+6 upside down.
I know a couple of bad jokes. And when I say bad, I mean their aweful, and shouldn't be told expecting laughter:
There's a little joke walking down the street, and then a big joke comes and beats the crap out of him.
What a bad joke!
Question: Batman is fighting Superman. Which is the bad one?
Answer: The joke.
wow! in welsh they have words that mean 2 or 3 sentences O.o''.
The longest word in portuguese is Anticonstitucioanalissimamente.
Making a few Dollars
A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"And, by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Taxes and colors
A visitor from the Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said, "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
How to make the IRS happy
The IRS decides to audit grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
"I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable"
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
That last one is the only one that has made me laugh so far.
Funeral Message
A young minister, in his first days at his first parish, is obliged to conduct the funeral services for an eccentric man who has just died.
At the funeral home, he stands before the open casket and tries to think of words to console the widow.
Finally, the minister says, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is only the husk, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."
Classics and Dutch classics:
Q: Why do Belgians have a knife next to their computer?
A: To cut and paste
Q: Why do Belgians have a knife in their car?
A: To take a shortcut
Q: Why does a blonde stare at a package of Orange Juice?
A: It's says Concentrated
Every girl wants a hotmail.
This is a bad joke:
Q: What sound does a cow make?
A: Yep that's right, the sound you make when you see me making this joke on stage.
I'm sorry, BLaw, but I wouldn't count that first one as a
Quote from: piutebob on July 14, 2009, 10:08AM
...clean jokes...
How aboot now :P
That's better, thanks! :)
Though I find the Belgian knife thing (the first joke in my post) clean... :P:P
LOL.
That post would not be considered spam, as it is funny, so it is going with the topic, yet this post that I am posting is spam as it is not going with topic, except that some people with a pathetic un-watered sense of humor might think its funny and I'll stop now.
The one I want to marry
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a game out of it.
He says he'll introduce his mother to three women and see if she can guess which one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to go along with the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother: "OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?"
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies: "The one in the middle."
The young man is astounded. "How in the world did you figure it out?"
"Easy," she says. "I don't like her."
I want the dirty jokes =P
If you say so:
A comedian and his friend are walking in the park while it's raining. Suddenly, they both stop. The comedian then throws himself in the mudpool. His friend asks: Dude, why did you do that?
The comedian answers: because this is a dirty joke.
It's lame, but you got a dirty joke ^^
ˆ_ˆ
very dense =P
Ok, I know my thread is old (but it is my thread after all), but anyways:
This man sends 10 puns to a local newspaper to see if he could win the prize for the best joke or pun. No pun in ten did.
LoL
amen. i like it!
Horse Trading
During the early days of the West, a preacher rode his horse from cow town to cow town to preach religion. After a lifetime of traveling and preaching, the time came for him to retire. He decided to sell his trusted horse, and move to the city.
A young gentleman came to see his horse, and was quite interested in purchasing the horse. But before the young man bought it, he thought he should ride it once to see how they got along together. The old preacher agreed.
The young man climbed awkwardly into the saddle and tried to get the horse to move, but it refused. Embarrassed, the preacher admitted that he had taught the horse to obey different commands using religious words in substitution the customary words.
The young man asked what you had to say to the horse to get it to go.
The preacher said, "Praise the Lord."
As soon as the horse heard these words, it took off at a very high rate of speed, nearly unseating the young man in the process. The young man was able to hang on, and finally pulled himself back into the saddle. Next, he managed to get the reins back in his hands, and attempted to slow the horse to a walk, but to no avail. The horse thundered on straight ahead at full speed.
Looking ahead, the young man observed that he and the horse were approaching a sheer cliff. Realizing that he was surely about to die, he did the last thing he could think of. He started reciting aloud The Lord's Prayer. Upon saying the word "Amen," the horse braced his front legs and screeched to a halt, just inches from the edge of the cliff.
The young man looked down at the jagged rocks a thousand feet below, pulled his handkerchief from his pocket, wiped the sweat from his forehead, and exclaimed in gratitude to the Lord, "Praise the Lord."
Good one, I knew it already. It's hard for me to tell a joke in english, but I found this one in my english school book:
A man was walking along a road when he found a penguin.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.
He said to the policeman "I found this penguin. What should I do with it?"
The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to the zoo.
The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.
The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"
The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."
:rofl:
Country Preacher
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time for the boy to start thinking about choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table 4 objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
How low will he go? (http://www.wnd.com/index.php?pageId=118427)