Piutebob's Jokes

[Gevth]

I know a couple of bad jokes. And when I say bad, I mean their aweful, and shouldn't be told expecting laughter:

There's a little joke walking down the street, and then a big joke comes and beats the crap out of him.
What a bad joke!

Question: Batman is fighting Superman. Which is the bad one?

Answer: The joke.

[Nowhere Man]

wow! in welsh they have words that mean 2 or 3 sentences O.o''.

The longest word in portuguese is Anticonstitucioanalissimamente.

[piutebob]

Making a few Dollars

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"And, by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[piutebob]

Taxes and colors

A visitor from the Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said, "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

[piutebob]

How to make the IRS happy

The IRS decides to audit grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

"I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable"

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[Dihan]

That last one is the only one that has made me laugh so far.

[piutebob]

Funeral Message

A young minister, in his first days at his first parish, is obliged to conduct the funeral services for an eccentric man who has just died.

At the funeral home, he stands before the open casket and tries to think of words to console the widow.

Finally, the minister says, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is only the husk, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."

[BLaw]

Classics and Dutch classics:


Q: Why do Belgians have a knife next to their computer?
A: To cut and paste
Q: Why do Belgians have a knife in their car?
A: To take a shortcut
Q: Why does a blonde stare at a package of Orange Juice?
A: It's says Concentrated

Every girl wants a hotmail.

This is a bad joke:

Q: What sound does a cow make?
A: Yep that's right, the sound you make when you see me making this joke on stage.

[piutebob]

I'm sorry, BLaw, but I wouldn't count that first one as a

...clean jokes...

[BLaw]

How aboot now

[piutebob]

That's better, thanks!

[BLaw]

Though I find the Belgian knife thing (the first joke in my post) clean... :P

[piutebob]

LOL.
That post would not be considered spam, as it is funny, so it is going with the topic, yet this post that I am posting is spam as it is not going with topic, except that some people with a pathetic un-watered sense of humor might think its funny and I'll stop now.

[piutebob]

The one I want to marry

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a game out of it.

He says he'll introduce his mother to three women and see if she can guess which one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to go along with the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother: "OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?"

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies: "The one in the middle."

The young man is astounded. "How in the world did you figure it out?"

"Easy," she says. "I don't like her."

[Nowhere Man]

I want the dirty jokes =P