Piutebob's Jokes

[piutebob]

I'm starting a thread for jokes. RULES: The jokes must be clean. They may be political. And basically, laugh at the jokes you think are funny, and laugh at your own. Pretty easy, right?

Here's one called Linguistics Lesson:

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room pipes up, "Yeah, right."

[Dihan]

*Tumble weed bounds across the dusty forum*

I myself prefer puns:

-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
-Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
-A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

[piutebob]

*Tumble weed bounds across the dusty forum*

What do you mean by that? That this topic idea was done already?
And by the way, good puns, I like them.

[Quentin Hex]

i think it means he didn't get the joke.

[piutebob]

Okay, here's a funny blonde joke. It's kind of known around where I live, but maybe some of you don't know it.

Your Ticket Please

A plane is on its way to Houston when Amanda, in economy class, gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells Amanda that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

Amanda replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to Amanda and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

Amanda replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to Amanda and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, first class isn't going to Houston."

[Dihan]

i think it means he didn't get the joke.

I think I mean that it wasn't that funny.

The second... Well, I'm blonde. It's a bit better though.

[The Boy Sanga]

Whoop! I love the idea of this thread!

Some of my favourites:

Did you hear about the fight in the chip shop? A load of fish got battered!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottishman walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Is this some sort of joke?"



Thankyou, thank you, I'm here 'till Tuesday, try the veal.

[piutebob]

The second... Well, I'm blonde. It's a bit better though.

I'm blonde too. But that's what makes it okay that I say that kinda joke

[LX - Rampage]

Okay, here's a funny blonde joke. It's kind of known around where I live, but maybe some of you don't know it.

Your Ticket Please

A plane is on its way to Houston when Amanda, in economy class, gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells Amanda that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

Amanda replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to Amanda and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

Amanda replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to Amanda and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, first class isn't going to Houston."

I heard this joke before, it's kinda good.

Whoop! I love the idea of this thread!

Some of my favourites:

Did you hear about the fight in the chip shop? A load of fish got battered!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottishman walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Is this some sort of joke?"



Thankyou, thank you, I'm here 'till Tuesday, try the veal.

Well...um...I don't get it, but keep on going.

[Quentin Hex]

I think I mean that it wasn't that funny.

which really just goes to show you what happens when i (try to) think   

[BLaw]

*Tumble weed bounds across the dusty forum*

I myself prefer puns:

-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
-Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
-A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

Magnificent. When I compare those with jokes, I would prefer puns too. Unfortunately, I can't think of one. I can think of two.

I also love being a pain in the HOLY to other people by twisting the means of anything, either it be objects or words. For example:

http://i.zdnet.com/blogs/stop_sign.png
A STOP-sign in traffic means that you MUST STOP LOOKING AT IT AND CONTINUE WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING.

http://www2.internetvideochannel.com/Portals/0/walk.jpg
The hulk is trying to open a door

http://www.richmond.ca/__shared/assets/Ped_Walk_Sign9596.JPG
Red Hulk fails to do a split.

http://www.clker.com/cliparts/2/f/d/9/1195442304509406672ryanlerch_pedestrian_crossing_sign.svg.hi.png
Only black people are allowed to walk on the black stripes.

http://www.freefoto.com/images/41/03/41_03_58---Pedestrian-Crossing-Road-Sign_web.jpg
The X-Men are near.

http://visual.merriam-webster.com/images/transport-machinery/road-transport/road-signs/major-international-road-signs_4.jpg
This image contains a lot. Let me break it down for ya:
1. Someone piled the wood very nicely
2. Rudolph is near.
3. Stock changes are 8% here.
4. There's a woman on the road
5. Free black bicycle!
6. Free black motorcycle!
7. A truck will hit ya!
8. Someone is dancing here.

Perhaps not the best PitA attempts, but I hope ya'll mean what I know.

[piutebob]

Reading the news
A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading a Nazi newspaper when his friend stepped aboard and was shocked by the sight.

"Moise," he said, "have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a Nazi newspaper?

Moise replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspapers but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing from assimilation and marriage, Jews living in poverty. So, I switched to the Nazi newspaper.

"Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews rule the world. The news, it's so much better."


Mozel Tov everyone!

[Nowhere Man]

Hi there, we have a nice crowd today.
By the way I'm not a blonde but I play one on TV.

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a blonde?
The prostitute says "Done yet?".
The nympho says "Done already?"
And the blonde says "Bege...yeah, I think I'm gonna paint the ceiling bege.".

*PARAMPAM*  Paul Shaffer ladies and gentleman!

Well...um...I don't get it, but keep on going.

That's what she said. =P

I love the Chocolate egg according to religion thing (don't worry, I don't think it will offend anybody. if it does, tell me and I'll delete it promptly )

Catholic - Chocolate egg happens because you're a sinner.
Jew - Chocolate egg always happens to our people.
Protestant - Chocolate egg happens cause of Satan.
Muslim - Chocolate egg happens cause it's the will of Allah.
Buddhist - Chocolate egg doesn't happen, it's only Chocolate egg if you see it as Chocolate egg.
Atheist - Pff, Chocolate egg doesn't happen. I'll only believe it when I see it.
Agnostic - I don't give a Chocolate egg about this Chocolate egg thing.
Nihilist - Chocolate egg happen for no reason. Deal with it.
Wiccan - Chocolate egg only happens to those who don't know the counter-spell.
Amish - Chocolate egg happens but it's a great fertilizer.
Mormon - Chocolate egg will never happen if I become a god.
Hindu - I better be good or next time around I'll be the fly on that Chocolate egg.

It's the night of a thousand shits! (south park fans get it)

Is this thing on? What is this a forum or a funeral?

Inside joke for Pokemon fans: Why didn't Jesse make it as a pokemon nurse? Cause she had no Chancey! *PARAMPAM*

Three guys arrive in heaven at the very same time. So, Saint Peter asks the first guy:
SP - How did you die?
G1 - Well, I had a feeling my wife was cheating on me. See, I live on the 16th floor. So, one day a arrived early from work and caught her laying on the bed buck naked and sweaty but no sign of the guy. I went searching for the guy everywhere and found him hanging on my windowsill. So I grabbed the heaviest thing I could find - my refrigerator - and threw it on him. But I lost my balance and fell too.
SP - How bout you?
G2 - I was washing my windows when I lost balance and fell. Fortunately, I managed to hold on to the windowsill of the downstairs floor. Then a wacko came and threw a freaking fridge on me! That's how I ended up here.
SP - And you sir, what's your story?
G3 - Well, I was hiding from my mistress's husband inside her fridge and...

Is it still too soon for 9/11 jokes? I have a very dark sense of humor

On the lighter yet philosophical side: swiss cheese has a lot of holes. more cheese means more holes. more holes means less cheese. Sooo...the more chesse the less cheese?


No getting your genitals stomped by an elephant (I'll never make that mistake again)


No demon possessed goats on skateboards


No running with fishes (that's how you lose an eye)


No alien babies allowed to make speeches


No epileptic seizures allowed (so inconvenient, there's a time and a place for these things)


No Darth Vader with a baby cart on the stairs

Next time I'll do a top ten list =P

[Dihan]

Beware - man struggling with umbrella ahead.

[BLaw]

Love that one.



From left to right and down:
1. Warning: incoming arrow might split up
2. Notice: Use a shield to block the arrow
3. Here's one way, to your right there's another
4. Do not pass: go all-in
5. 50 cent up ahead.
6. You are being marked by the Hunter's Mark. All attackers gain more ranged attack power.
7. Do not Enter: press shift.
8. You can pee in the circle between these hours.
9. No Parking Loading Zone: that means no camping and no reloading aka you're dead.
10. There's a bend arrow lying in pee
11. Tetris up ahead
12. Wind might bend the arrow, 50% luck it won't hit you
13. Looky how cute! This arrow has a tiny wiener!
14. This arrow can't get passed annoying blocks.
15. After he shoots and arrow at ya and you block, fire back!
16. Nobody cares about the stripes in the middle, just walk on the road.
17. Do not stand, but sit down
18. Transformer road
19. More women on the road up ahead!!!!
20. Throw a dodgeball up
21. You may only drive through if all lights are on
22. Use a jetski to go on the road
23. Circusact with a rope is going on there
24. Oh now are deers are flying too
25. Your car leaves trackmarks
26. Someone bend some steel bars
27. Truck succeeded by 18% to drive the hill up backwards
28. Don't use this arrow
29. Choose another finger
30. Use a steady arrow instead of a weak one
31. No peeing!
32. How weird, a road closed a head, so?
33. Ignore the man who holds a block in his hand
34. Someone has a hernia...
35. Dirty old man spying on people!
36. Questgiver
37. Fuelgiver
38. Poor weapons shop
39. Keep your gender to your own!
40. Airplane on the grass
41. Railcrossroadsing
42. Stop reading and drive (ye that one again)